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I believe this is the first time since I started blogging that I didn't post on New Year's or New Year's eve. Being jaded does that to you I suppose.

Despite the cynicsm, deep down in me I still harbour hope. Hope for all kinds of things, mostly just for an overall improvement in life. Maybe it's just because we, as humans, tend to remember the bad things more than the good things (basically the basis of belief in superstitions), but it seems to me, in recent memory, anything good that happens to me, or when something happens to make me feel good (a somewhat rare occurance nowadays), it's almost immediately balanced out by some bad news in some form or another. When even your good times are tinged with disappointment and sadness like some candy with a bitter after-taste, it's hard to be optimistic for fear of being slapped down by the powers that be.

I suppose I have a fear of disappointment, even bordering on becoming a phobia. I haven't been an optimistic person for a long time now, and it's mostly because I don't want to be disappointed, whether it be about friends, schoolwork, or even in trivial things like video games.

Put in a nicer way, I'm pragmatic. And that really helps in things which rely mostly on stone, cold logic. However, in matters dealing with relationships, whether the romantic or platonic kind, it, ironically, leads to 'errors in judgement'. I put that phrase in inverted commas because, while I'm technically not wrong (most of the time), I still wind up the loser.

I don't think I'll ever figure out this ongoing game of charades. It just simply isn't within me to be much of a 'man manager' I suppose. This willingness to recognize my weaknesses means that, contrary to popular belief, I'm not that much of an elitist. I accept alot of people's flaws, perhaps moreso than people think I do. I only wish other people could accept me for what I am in return.

I'm a walking contradiction, that I know. I'm a fat guy who likes playing sports. Oxymoron. I'm an introvert who likes to go out with friends. Oxymoron. I'm not easy to understand, so I don't expect anyone to, at least not fully. But why can't more people accept me for who I am?

As it stands, only a few do. I really really hope those few will keep on believing in me. I don't know if I can convince anyone else to do so, but there's another thing to hope for.

Happy new year everyone. Have a good one. I sincerely hope everyone does.

I've been playing NBA 2K10 quite abit since the hols started, and I'm fairly pleased with the way I've changed the Mavericks squad from a talented but ageing (and expensive) team to an even better team with a good mix of youth and experience AND below the salary cap as well (I think. At worst it's just a couple of million over. Better than when I first took over at any rate).

That's not the point though. I went to bed yesterday thinking about the squad and how it was pretty much balanced across all the positions and so on. Basically fairly happy thoughts. Yet I woke up this morning with a sense of loss, and I don't know why.

Maybe it was a dream I had, I'm not sure. I couldn't remember my dreams from last night.

Well, the hols have been nice, in the sense that they allow me time away from my problems. I'm not exactly having a scintillating holiday or anything; I haven't even gone out of the house save for once for basketball and once (today) to work for my mum. Probably gonna do so again tomorrow. I don't intend to work much this hols, I think I really need the time to recharge my batteries.

The time away is merely a temporary solution, that much I know. I wouldn't mind so much if I had a more permanent solution in the pipeline, but the fact of the matter is that I don't. Frankly, I've kinda resigned myself to receiving this kind of reception wherever I go and whatever I do.

That doesn't make it any easier to accept, of course, but I suppose it's a step forward (though it feels more like one sideways) of sorts.

I'm at a loss at what to do, seriously. I don't think there even is anything I can do to remedy the situation. Guess I'll just float along and see what's what.

In other things, I've been putting off writing a story for a long time now. I really should start soon. I don't think I'm gonna bother much with how good it actually is; I just want an outlet. This blog's one already, but it's hardly enough and besides, it's non-fiction. I've always been better with fiction, hah.

Random thing: I need a new keyboard. The spacebar on mine is seriously screwy. In usable condition but it's just so damn iffy.

Finally, a bright spot.

Yesterday evening, the ol' section met up for a BBQ. And, really, words can't really describe how wonderful the whole thing was.

It was quite a huge gathering, with ages ranging from 13 all the way up to 20. The food was quite good, all things considered, but the main draw and the best part of the whole night was the opportunity to meet and talk with them all again.

I don't think any of us have seen each other in recent times, save for Clara and Yan Ling (who're in the same school/band) and that one time I met Glenn when he, Liangyun and I went out for dinner. I think the last time all of us were in the same place was the last POP, in fact. And even then we didn't talk much, pretty much cause we were split into meeting our respective old friends from them days of yore (lul).

Yet, despite all that, it felt like we never left each other at all.

Basically we seniors spent the first half of the night setting up and doing the inital cooking. But after that, the kids took over the cooking and the whole group was, predictably, split into two: the SYF 2007 batch, of course plus Yu Qing, and the young 'uns. Glenn kinda constantly roamed between the two groups, doing a little of everything.

There was much to talk about. We went round the table discussing relationships, making dumb jokes and laughing. We are all in different places, doing different things, making different decisions and facing different problems, and yet we're still like family.

We've perhaps all changed in small ways. Glenn's gotten buffer, Brandon dyed his hair, I got fatter (lul), etc etc. But it seems our hearts and our feelings for each other haven't changed in the slightest. There wasn't any awkward 'uhhh hey how you doing now' moments or anything like that. Once we started talking, we didn't stop, and the most beautiful thing of it all was that it was all natural. No need for prodding or prompting. We wanted to talk, and we wanted to listen to each other. Tres Magnifique.

The past couple of years, I've been trying to go in a new direction. Note that I don't mean that I wanted to have nothing to do with them or anything like that. I just wanted a clean break from my secondary school life in general. But I'm glad I never broke free of these guys. I miss these guys. Glenn and Yu Qing will always be both friends and seniors, and, as I've said before, I'll always love the people of the SYF 2007 batch like they were my kids.

I've got another couple of weeks (one of them test week) ahead of me before I get to my holidays. It's not going to be easy, for previously mentioned reasons, but it's good to know that I still at least have one more sanctuary, one more group of people I can call my family, one more place I can call home. That'll give me strength to keep going.

It's been a month.

It's not exactly like there isn't anything to write about, but my mood has been incredibly, incredibly bad.

The early-term optimism has completely disappeared, and has been replaced with a feeling of defeatism. Day after day, it's another struggle. Some days it's better than others, so it's hard to tell beforehand how things'll be like on any one particular day, much less how to mentally prepare for it.

Of course, it doesn't help that we're in the midst of projects at the moment. Two of them, and both due tomorrow. I'm only posting this at the tail-end of it all, so I guess at the moment I'm just kinda looking forward to the long weekend. But the boatloads of stress have taken their toll.

Frankly, I feel like I've been prosecuted for a crime I didn't even know about, much less commit. My mental state has been suffering and I've been mood-swinging for so long it can't even be put down to plain teenage emotions anymore.

There's no way around the problem either, and obviously no solution in sight, otherwise I would've done something by now. Now I drag myself out of bed every morning, completely unprepared for what the day ahead holds. This level of uncertainty and instability can't be good for anyone.

How would you feel if you never can tell if you're wanted or not? When you feel you've overstayed your welcome, suddenly they usher you back into the centre of things. When you think you're right in the middle of it all, suddenly they make you feel like you aren't even there. Your expertise and skills overlooked in favour of lesser lights. Your opinion, worthless. And all for no reason.

There's still a long way to go before all this ends. I wonder if, some time down the road, I'll snap. I hope not, of course.

I don't drink; I've never been a fan of alcohol. But it's gotten to the point where I just wanna drown my sorrows and wake up with a hangover just so there's some other, somewhat more manageable, pain to distract from the real problem.

Those who know me know I'm not the running type. So to see me want to numb the pain and to leave it lingering instead of removing it completely in a one-time painful act should be enough of an indicator as to just how fucking screwed things are at the moment.

I go to sleep looking forward to not having to deal with life. I wake up, and ironically, that's when the nightmare begins.

It's not always all bad, of course. But the good times are few and far between, and sometimes you never can tell if they're just pulling your string or if it's genuine anymore. You simply can't tell, and to bring it to the fore and strip it of all pretence is really just a one-way ticket to perpetual, unadulterated hell.

Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Right, so we're at the end of the first week back at school. Fairly eventful, by my (admittedly sorry) standards.

In general, it was pretty nice seeing the guys again. On top of that, the general good mood is helped by a pretty awesome timetable. We end pretty early on three days, and the other two aren't exactly really strenuous either (they last till 5 o'clock but lessons-wise they're fine).

Played basketball on Monday, and I made some improvement! Managed to put in two or three layups, two jumpers (one of which was a 3-pointer I think) and a hook shot. That's on the good side. On the not-so-good side, I'm still pretty useless in terms of dribbling and when I shoot contested shots, although one of my jumpers was with an opponent totally in my face. Funnily enough, given the right amount of space I tend to kinda-sorta shoot better with a tall defender in my face. Managed to score with Ying Wei guarding me last time too. Maybe it's cos I 'panic' and throw it up higher than I usually would, creating a better arc.

Had Aston's on Thursday with some of the classmates at Sembawang Shopping Centre. Maybe it's cos of the time, I dunno, but the place is really quiet. I don't mind of course, I like quiet places, but you have to wonder how some of the shops survive. Anyway it was nice having a lunch outside with them, and it was a new place (to me) to see.

Also, maybe it's just cos I'm really used to/terribly bored with being underground 90% of the time when I take the MRT, but it was nice being above-ground for more than just one or two stations for once.

Had another driving lesson yesterday, and I got the instructor from my third lesson again. I like the guy, really friendly but also professional. I drove pretty well this lesson, probably my best yet, but just when I thought I could finally get through a lesson without stalling, I go and stall twice in the last 10 minutes or so -.-. Anyways, it was a happy lesson. I find driving fun, and it's even better when you have a friendly instructor.

After the lesson, I went to meet up with Liangyun and Glenn for dinner. Liangyun's back in Singapore for just a little while to clear up some admin stuff that wasn't finished before, and then he'll be off again. He asked me to contact Glenn and to basically set up the meet up on Wednesday, and Glenn being as hard to contact as he is, it was pretty much a scramble, but we managed to set it up by Friday night.

I miss those guys. Together they're really funny, Glenn being the boisterous funny guy and Liangyun the sarcastic one. I dunno what it is but I personally don't have much to say in such meet ups. Maybe I've changed too much or something. I'm personally fine with just watching them, I just hope they don't misconstrue my silence as unhappiness with them or whatever. I've always liked them both and, above all else, truly respect them.

Basketball season's starting on Tuesday! My virgin season hahah. Up till now the only competitive matches I've seen/followed were last year's playoffs, starting from the conference finals, and the WNBA Finals between the Phoenix Mercury and the Indiana Fever (which were on during the hols). Looking forward to seeing how it's like.

Of course, there's also the big Pool-Utd game tonight. Needless to say, I want United to win, hopefully by five goals or something, but despite Pool's poor recent form, a gut feeling tells me they could win. It's just one of those things. I hope my gut feeling is emphatically wrong, of course.

I guess that's all for now. Here's hoping for a good semester ahead, not just for myself but for all my poly friends!

I have no idea what it is but GTA trailers always make me feel all fuzzy inside, no exceptions!

I haven't exactly been able to feel as enthusiastic as I used to about video games for awhile now. There's still the obligatory purchases like Football Manager and FIFA and so on, but I hardly find REAL satisfaction when I try a new game nowadays. Probably the last one that really managed it was Mass Effect.

There have been a few 'solid' and 'undeniably good' ones, like Arkham Asylum or Oblivion, for example, but I rarely get really excited anymore. I don't know what it is, maybe I've subconsciously focused on only some types of games or maybe life is getting to me and I feel less inclined to really enjoy myself regardless of the game (unless it's crap). Whatever it is, GTA never fails to break through that barrier.

Could be the slick presentation or the trademark humour of the series or the great story-telling, I'm not sure. Whatever it is, I can go into a trailer expecting what one should expect of Rockstar in handling their top franchise, and come out amazed/excited, everytime.

Of course, the ones I'm particularly referring to at the moment are the ones for the 2-in-1 episodic pack (The Lost and Damned/The Ballad of Gay Tony), which is, I'm happy to say, EXCLUSIVE to the 360. For someone who doesn't use Xbox Live, this is particularly satisfying, since it'll come in DVD form.

Lucky I worked quite abit this hols, so I can pay for these games. Still got to get FM, NBA 2K10 and now, GTA.

School's starting soon. I'm happy to say I managed to get the elective module I wanted (something quite slack) with the added bonus/surprise of the teacher being a nice one. It's karma man. Last sem was absolutely shit, I'm getting paid back now, hahah.

Two minutes to midnight at the time of writing. Till next time!

It is an unusual analogy to use but I think I now know what it feels like to be a footballer who was once a regular starter and is now confined to the bench or to only see game time in reserve matches.

Unlike the footballer though, this has nothing to do with a lack of effort on my part. It feels more like my usefulness has expired and I'm being phased out... which isn't fair to me but at the same time I can't really fully blame anyone.

It's hugely frustrating, you know, to have things go against you and not being able to even assign blame, let alone go about solving the problem. It's like a ship that starts sinking even though every sailor has done his job 100% and the iceberg LITERALLY appeared out of nowhere. You feel like utter, utter shit but no one's wrong or at fault, not even in the slightest.

So what now? Unlike the footballer I can't hand in a transfer request and move to somewhere where I would be 'of use'. And herein lies the problem of being me.

I take a long time to trust people, or even be really friendly to them. And, partially through my actions and partially due to things out of my control, I find myself now lacking alternatives. I function almost in extremes: a (VERY) small group of people I trust wholeheartedly, and the rest I don't even care about. Of course, there are quite a few so-called 'works in progress', but until they 'make the grade' I can't even see myself really telling them anything. This way of living is heaven when it works, but when it screws up, it fucks me up completely.

This holidays have been diverse, to say the least. I'm reasonably happy with the amount of time divided between going out and working and staying at home, definitely, but the lack of things to really occupy my mind lead me to turn things over and over in my head and come to conclusions that are, invariably, saddening.

In short, I drive myself mad, but not without reason.

It's possible that I ask too much out of this particular friendship... I should understand the person's idiosyncracies enough by now to be able to accept some things and just move on. But... when comparing and contrasting, it just makes me feel like the unwanted footballer again.

Of course, things and people change. Maybe it's my fault, I can't handle it. But I still can't help feeling that it's unfair considering I did nothing to instigate the change(s) and yet I'm being adversely affected by them.

Maybe I'm thinking too much. Could well be. But, referring to that old phrase 'there's no smoke without a fire', I just so very wish you wouldn't give me any excuse to light even the tiniest embers.

I'm in a bad mood, but I'm not angry. I just keep wondering where things started going off the tracks.

The tracks always seem to be in tip top condition though, and then the insanity begins again.

Sigh...

I... I've got nothing.

So the exams are over and I can finally take a break.

I woke up at 6.30 or so this morning to go do some shooting at the (not-so-) nearby basketball court. I'm not sure exactly what it is I'm doing wrong; I don't have a good scoring rate, and as the time went along I began wondering if it was a matter of technique or fatigue. Probably both. But anyway it was nice to get some exercise in. The early morning is very peaceful, not many people around. Just a few joggers and a couple of aunties doing tai chi.

After being so tense for so long, because of exams and other stuff, it actually feels weird to be able to loosen up now, and I, in a sense, can't quite 'get the hang' of it just yet. I still feel all keyed up even though there isn't anything to be keyed up for.

I really don't have much to do at home. Just been playing facebook and sleeping and generally just relaxing. I haven't even turned on the Xbox yet (might do it soon though).

Being able to do nothing is actually, in itself, a gift. Modern life sees us running around like dogs all the damn time, trying to complete assignments and meet deadlines and deal with idiots etc etc, and I find it quite surprising how some people just want to keep running even when they don't have to. They don't appreciate simple 'relaxing', and after all the shit one has to go through in facing life, to want to seek more 'excitement' in your free time is just stupid, to me, especially since they actually NEED the relaxation but choose to go for the adrenaline and in the end, what do you know, they get wiped out, not only physically, but mentally as well.

Of course, I don't mean to say that exciting activities shouldn't be done. They definitely should, but not at the expense of your own stamina. And it's funny how so many people out there don't even know their limits.

It's even funnier how their 'sleeper' friends have to pay for them exceeding their limits.

Sigh.




My god, you're dense, aren't you?

... And that's what happens when build-up occurs and you get your fuckin' ass Hyper Beam-ed to oblivion.

Well anyway, one paper's down. It was tough, in its own, 'unique' FF way, the kind where you study really hard but they challenge you all the same. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry at it or anything. If anything it felt like a fair fight, both sides giving it their best. Aside from simple-as-fuck papers, this has got to be my favourite type of paper to do.

So there's two more papers to go, and to be honest I don't really care about either of them. I just want to pass them, just to get the modules over with. As I've said before, this whole semester has been a complete bust, and I CANNOT wait to just get it all done with. If next sem is as shit as this one was (in terms of modules, teachers and timetable) then I can probably bid a good GPA farewell. As it is, I'm pretty sure my GPA's going to deprove because of this sem. Hardly anything good coming from it. I just hope the drop is small.

I don't know what else to write about at the moment, to be honest. Aside from the usual stuff like 'I can't wait for the goddamn papers to be over', I'm not really thinking about anything. The previously-mentioned problems still exist, unsolved, but I know I can't really do anything about them at this moment in time. And besides, focusing on the more immediate problem of the exams has somehow managed to successfully distract my brain even though I'm well aware that nothing's solved yet.

Once the papers are over though, I really don't know how I'm gonna go about solving those problems. At the moment all I want to do is, to put it in a cowardly fashion, run away from them, ignore them. As I've told SK, all I want to do is to forget about life, not bother about it until I feel like it. Whether or not that's the wise choice, in terms of solving the problems, I don't know. But I do know that it's what my mental health needs. I just want to wake up early in the morning and get some shooting practice in/go for a run/both, lose myself in physical exertions and music and just heal myself spiritually.

Tomorrow's going to be spent doing a crash course in FA, taught by V-Dawg. Going to be going earlier to do as much as I can myself, first. I just want to know enough to pass, so I can finally forget about accounting. Accounting is just plain acCUNTing hurhur pun hurhur.

Tests on Tuesday and Thursday, followed by one last one on the Wednesday after.

Kind of prepared for the Tuesday test, completely unprepared for the other two.

In no kind of mood whatsoever to even want to bother.

Morale is at an all-time low.

It really feels like my life has been full of failure.

What will I make of myself in the future? The way I'm going, do I even have a future worth thinking about?

How is it possible that I've made mistake after mistake without ever meaning to? How the hell does that even work?

Why does everything that matters so much to me have to fall apart or become empty eventually?

Even in rebuilding I might already have made a huge blunder.

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You think you have problems. You don't know shit, motherfucker.

Have you ever been broken? Completely, utterly shattered? To the point where you doubt whether your life is worth the trouble it causes to others?

You have never been broken. You have never had to fight mentally for your own principles. You have never had your soul completely and utterly crushed. You have never had to prove your worth against all odds.

You are nothing, and that is the reason.

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People look ahead and see three papers seperating them from their leisure and relaxation. I see these three papers as just the first of my problems, although yes, it would help quite a bit to have them out of the way.

I want some early days and late nights with no one but my music and my thoughts to keep me company.

Out of the house at 7am, and take in the newly-risen sun and the fresh air.

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I haven't been truly happy for any extended period of time since primary school.

I blame my upbringing.

I blame myself.

When I die, no one will know or care.

And I can only blame myself for that, even though I would not have done anything wrong.

These are disappointing times.

Friday's MA1 test ended in a scraped pass (SOMEhow), the GEMs test after that can't exactly be described as 'solid', and today's CRM test was pretty much a bust. I don't know if I should blame myself for not studying enough (feels like that in some respects) or to blame the paper for being pretty difficult (which it was).

What's left now are three papers, only one of which I think scoring well is a possibility, and even then I need a pretty good A if I'm to get an A for the module, overall. The other two, well, one I've never done well in and never will, the other is just impossible to predict.

I'm not exactly in the most optimistic of moods now, obviously. I'm only thankful that the next paper is a week away, so I can take a breather first before hitting the books again. If the next test was tomorrow I'd probably go kill myself right now.

These pessimistic feelings are accompanied by fatigue. Woke up early today to go to school early, and, besides that, had a little shooting practice with Ying Wei after the test. I'm still pretty shitty, but at least I'm getting closer. I think I just need to get more of a feel of things before more improvement can be made.

Speaking of 'feel', I think that most recreational things I do is based mostly on feel. Football I've played since I was 9 years old and, of course, we hardly thought of things like tactics or skills or whatever back then, but somehow I've managed to become half-decent (at least, considering the very few times I've played in the past year+), and that was the case in the band as well.

The flipside of this ability is that, because I'm lazy or can't see the point, I don't practice as much as I should, and hardly ever fulfill my potential. I personally feel that I have a track record of hitting the ground running but never ever really reaching the heights my early promise seemed to indicate I would get to. It can be a little frustrating sometimes, but since these are all just recreational activities, I'm not exactly too bothered by it.

All in all, this semester has been a complete bust. Chances are my GPA is gonna go down, I just hope by not too much. Besides results, it's also been quite trying on my nerves, with teachers who are fucked up and subjects which are fucked up. I just hope, as a form of karma, next semester will be fucking awesome. I'd very much like a much better timetable too; that's another one of the things fucked up about this sem, the timetable is mostly retarded.

3 more papers. Hopefully, no more disappointments.

It's 1.50am on a Saturday night/Sunday morning and I've got two out of three days of the long weekend ahead of me. So why do I not feel all that great?

I'll really never understand myself. I lived today as I would like to live everyday: good food, no work, games and TV. And I felt good in the day time. Today was probably the first time in a couple of weeks or so that I allowed myself to really relax. Last weekend was tainted by the FA test on Monday, so it doesn't really count as a rest. The morning was spent just having a leisurely breakfast and playing Facebook games, then I took a nap. Woke up in time to catch House on Ch 5, then spent pretty much the rest of the afternoon reading about the show on Wikipedia.

I know it's all really mundane, but with all the stress life is piling on at the moment, days like these are priceless. Somehow though, the night-time just felt really unfulfilling. I had a nice dinner, but other than fill up my stomach (nicely, too) it didn't really help the feelings in the head.

I had a good Friday. In terms of 'meaning', it was pretty pointless. FF tutorial undone, featuring a topic that doesn't seem to be important. No GEMs, then a lecture with not much to copy down. Still, such stress-free days are pretty much the best a student can get.

Basketball afterwards again. Maybe a little unwise considering it's only been a week since I got my injury, but I had gone to see the doctor again on Thursday, and a visiting friend of his (another doctor, of course) managed to get to that one last remaining blood clot in my foot. Funnily enough, for Friday (it doesn't happen now), if I didn't exert any pressure/stress on my foot, it started feeling tight and stiff. But walking around and leaning my weight on it made it feel better. And it felt totally alright during basketball too.

Anyway, my shooting has improved quite abit, albeit only from the free-throw line. I'm still kinda prone to streaks though; I once hit six in a row and then missed the next four, something like that. Nevertheless, progress! Probably no more basketball till the tests and exams are over though. Gonna play more, MUCH more, during the holidays, one way or another.

So enough of the past for awhile. The here and now doesn't seem too great and I don't really know why that's the case since it's not like anything has changed since the morning, besides the time. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be really satisfied/content/happy with life for an extended period of time. I always seem to be asking for more in one respect or other, and that's something I really detest in myself sometimes. I get miserable(-ish) over nothing at all fairly regularly because of this stupid tendency of mine.

The week ahead's utter shit. Tuesday presentation, Friday three tests (one of them mock, but I still want to get something decent for it). Then the Monday after is the final CRM test. Week after that, exams. The only good thing is that the exams are (kind of) spread out over two weeks, and there's only three papers, but still. Just looking forward to the holidays.

You know what? Sometimes I just want to matter.

I want to be indispensable.

Irreplaceable.

I think that's what I want, but can I ever be someone like that? All my life, I've pretty much been a jack of all trades, master of none. Sure, I have my talents, but it's never been difficult to find someone better than me.

This is totally my ego speaking, but, in some meaningful capacity, I want to be completely, absolutely indispensable to someone. That's probably what my life dream is. Whether as a highly-skilled employee or as someone's significant other, I want to be absolutely irreplaceable.

Indispensable, no exceptions.

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I don't know how the post suddenly turned into those last few lines. I know there's a very abrupt change in style and I can't really explain it besides saying that I was just following my head and not thinking about things like structure and continuity. Anyway, writing freely is one of the joys in life so I don't think I should be too rigid. It's just a blogpost, after all.

Au revoir for now. Don't forget to spay and neuter your pets.

Well, today wasn't good.

FA test is probably pretty fucked up now. I'm just hoping for a pass; I really hate the module and when that happens it's almost impossible for me to even get decent grades for it. Just let me pass so I can move on...

Also got another 'attack'. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully numb the pain until I never ever see you again. It's impossible to forget something like this. Maybe it wasn't that big a deal to you but it is to me.

Why the fuck must I like everything about you? Why the fuck must there be that one big stumbling block?

My heart shrivels up and dies in a searing flame everytime I see you. This doesn't do much for my soul. Only you can make me so incredibly depressed in a matter of minutes.

Only you.

Just when I say that it looks like more basketball was unlikely (due to all manner of schoolwork), we decided to play after school yesterday. And would you believe it, I got injured. Funny set of events.

It's looks pretty bad, the injury. I landed very awkwardly on the outside of my right foot after getting a rebound, and got a huge swell as a result of the sprain. Went to see a sinsei and after some painful but interesting (really, I was intrigued) treatment involving the sucking out of the blood clots in the injured area, I got a bandage and haven't been moving around much the past day, largely because I can't really do so.

For much of last night and this morning I felt like I was dragging a stump around when I walked, but it's gotten slightly better, gradually. Still hurts and I can't quite walk properly, but the swelling has gone down a little and the hurt area seems to have gotten smaller too. Guess I'm kinda lucky that my parents recently found out about this doctor.

According to him I won't be able to partake in any sports for about 2-3 weeks. I don't mind too much; it would've been 3 months if I had cracked the bone, but by the looks of it (swelling going down), that hasn't happened. In a sense this was the 'best' time to get such an injury; the next few weeks are too filled with projects and tests and whatnot for one to fully enjoy oneself playing anything (sports or games) anyway.

Speaking of tests, there's an accounting test on Monday and I'm so incredibly unprepared. Still, I don't really feel like caring? I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm just too fed up at the sheer amount of crap that's being thrown at us by the school (one thing after another, seemingly no let-up whatsoever). Once all these projects are over, exams come around. There simply isn't any respite.

You know, although this makes me sound really childish, times like this really make me wish I had a girl to help me through all the stuff. Just someone to fuss over the injury and to keep me company and so on. It's incredibly childish and naive to think like this but I can't really help it.

I used to fall easily, maybe cos I didn't know what I wanted back then and was just looking for companionship. Nowadays the criteria I've set in my mind are so much more stringent and thorough things seem to have swung right round to the other extreme and it seems impossible to find the kind of girl I like. There's also always so many other little niggling factors that could throw the whole thing right out the window at a moment's notice.

Anyway, first things first. Accounting test and reflection journal 2, both on Monday. I've read through the direct method portion of accounting, and will be starting on tutorials tomorrow. Reflection journal... whatever, I'll just crap something out tomorrow. No point trying too hard for it when the criteria can change just like that simply because the teacher doesn't have half a brain to work with.

Man, do I feel lonely.

We're coming to the end of the first week of a hell busy period and I'm half-relieved, half-apprehensive.

On one hand, one project has been handed in and one more to be handed in tomorrow. On the other, there's another that no one wants to bother with (me included; fuck that shit man) and there's going to be a FA test on Monday, which means the weekend isn't going to be all that relaxing.

Nevertheless it'll be good to be able to wake up at a time other than 6am for once. All the projects simply add on to my already pretty damn retarded timetable and has screwed my body clock up so bad I actually FEEL REFRESHED when I wake up at 7.30am.

A few days ago I burnt all kinds of oil revamping the CRM report, to the extent where I feel I deserve some sort of fucking prize for it. Perhaps I've already redeemed my prize in the form of being quite relaxed for the FF project, so I'm not gonna be asking for anything else.

I amaze myself when I do something like that. Anyone who even remotely knows me knows that I'm a slacker kind of guy. I get things done and I get the results most of the time, but the methods used don't usually involve much hard work (if any at all). But, apparently, when I get in the mood to get some serious work done I become someone different.

I have to be 'angry' to be able to accomplish much. Guns N' Roses was blasting and my face was one of extreme irritation during this CRM thing, for example. I even did the work without air-con and felt perfectly comfortable with it.

I sure as hell don't intend to do stuff like this very often. It messes with my sleep and makes me (for the duration of the work anyway) a very irritable and angry person. But I'm seriously efficient under those circumstances. Funny little thing.

I still can't really get over how fucked the coming days are going to be. Can you imagine not being able to even stop for a breather all the way till exams are over? That's almost (if not is) a whole month! Insane bullshit. Weekends seem like godsends nowadays, that's how stressful life is at the moment.

Above all else, I hope that all our stress and work has paid off, at least a little. I don't want to get some shit grade for the projects after all this fucking bullshit I had to go through just to get them done.

You know, I've been so busy I don't even know what I'd do if I had free time. Haven't even had the brain space to think about any form of leisure. All I know is that I want tons of sleep and tons of basketball (though the latter seems a little bit difficult to achieve sometimes). I'm so tired and stressed I can't even blog properly. This whole post has been full of stop-starts, totally no fluidity whatsoever. From a writing point of view, that frustrates me greatly.

When I finally get the time, I think I'm gonna start on a story. I still don't know what I'll write about, and will probably be soliciting for ideas from friends, but I'm going to write something. There's just something enjoyable about it just being you and the com, with music on and nothing in your head except your ideas. Bliss.

Well, I just hope tomorrow breezes by without any hassle so I can finally get to the weekend and relax a little. I need to take my breathers wherever I can get them. Wish me luck.

It seems pretty unreasonable (considering the workload I talked about in the last post) but I'm feeling reeeeeally good at the moment!

The mock presentation went okay, nothing particularly good or bad, and to be honest that's pretty much all I ask for in anything having to do with RWPS. So, felt pretty good.

FF was uneventful, I spent it daydreaming mostly. Skipped GEMs after that. Considering that we don't really do much in GEMs in the first place and that we spent the two free hours VERY retardedly (doing almost nothing in the gutted out BizIT library), from a big picture point of view it was an exercise in redundant-ness, but whatever. GEMs is so skippable, anyone who has 100% attendance for their GEM is just not doing it right (unless of course, the teacher's some crazy attendance Nazi).

CRM lecture, nothing. Then, basketball!

MUCH better shooting today. Slowly getting the hang of this. I don't know if it's just cos it's fresh and new to me, but I honestly can't seem to get enough of it.

Had something to eat and basically just lazed around talking for awhile, before setting off for home and having a few mass games of Chi Ko Pa (yea, childish, whatever~) on the train.

On the Red Line I got my last happy thing of the day. Two chio bus lmaoooo. I don't know if it's just my own high/weird standards or what but I haven't seen anyone I would really call a chio bu for quite some time already, so this was pretty nice. Got off at Bishan too, but I think they went to Circle Line =/

I feel so good right now man. Still got alot of stuff ahead though, and tomorrow's going to be spent doing projects. I just hope significant headway is made. I can't wait to get all this stuff done and over with.

Just gonna bask in the cheerfulness for now. Till next time!

Monday and Tuesday were spent at home, down with the flu, which I caught either from Han or from my dad. Seems like everyone's falling sick nowadays. Still got a phlegmy cough at the moment, pretty irritating.

So! I can't help feeling pessimistic and stressed at the moment. The next 3 weeks are absolutely chock-full of deadlines and whatnot. This Friday there's a(nother) mock presentation, only thing is this one we gotta do with real info, which means no more complete bullshitting which means work to be done which means fucking hell shit crap balls dick etc etc.

Then, next Wednesday is the deadline for the CRM report, which is only half-done. Then, next Friday is the deadline for GEMs report AND FF project. THEN, the Monday after is FA test.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKKKK

I think this is the first time poly is being so bastard to me. On the (admittedly rather dim at the moment) bright side, this term is pretty short, and by the time I'm finished with all those deadlines/just plain finished, it's something like a week or two till exams. Which is both pants-shittingly frightening and fucking fantastic at the same time. You see, on one hand, it's exams, and I'm totally unprepared. On the other, after exams = 1 1/2 months of solid relaxation.

Oh, I forgot to add that MA1 project is due some time in the next 3 weeks as well. Might be on the Monday with the FA test.

CAN YOU FEEL IT? CAN YOU FEEL THE FUCKED-UP-NESS?!

I'm half-insane at the moment. Fuck projects man.

The only bright spot I can think of in my immediate future is that we're probably gonna play basketball again this Friday after school. I had my first taste of it last Friday and frankly I want more. I don't know how I managed to get through 18 years without even giving it a cursory glance. My shooting sucks like hell though. 5% FG% ftw.

Words CANNOT describe how glad I'll be when this load of crap is done and over with. 'Orgasmic' doesn't even come close.

Wish me luck.

Well today was a weird mix.

Got to school early to do some project work, and honestly the early days are just taking their toll on me. Every weekend is basically spent sleeping nowadays. This semester is seriously fucked up, fucked up in so many ways it's not even funny. Stress and fatigue levels are reaching irritating levels. I was right, there'd be no improvement this term. All I wanna do now is to get my head down and push all the way to the end. Hopefully next semester is significantly better.

Anyway, back to the day. RWPS was fucked up, as usual. Teacher's a complete retard and amateur, she's got so many faults and character deficiencies I just feel like throttling her, honestly. I've had my share of insane teachers, but this one is just plain fucking retarded. She can seriously go die in a fire.

So that was the only 'highlight' of school today. Early in the morning Yu Qing sent me a message (I only read it when I woke up) saying Liang Yun was going back to China, for good, due to study issues. It was all really sudden.

Fair enough, I haven't exactly kept in contact with him (or any of my other section mates, for that matter), but it's still a loss. Even having gone through that rollercoaster ride as an SL which ended on an incredible high with people whom I now pretty much consider my kids, Liang Yun has always been the person I was closest to in band. Those days of playing 3rd trumpet together on Seventh Night of July rank way up there in the best of my memories in the band.

Anyway, although I haven't really kept in contact with my section mates over the past year and a half, I'm trying to re-establish contact. The time I've spent away was really quite long but I treat it as a sabbatical that I needed to have, to get my mind and body all back in balance, simply because I had given too little to myself in those busy days as an SL.

As it is, I've more or less regained balance, and am now trying to get back with the people who have played such a big part in making my life so much richer than it would've been otherwise. Which is why it felt really nice being able to hang out with them a little after we had sent Liang Yun off. It wasn't much, basically just following them (them being Clara, Yan Ling and Germaine, with Yu Qing leaving us earlier to meet her boyfriend) around as they got some stuff they needed in J8, but it was nice just talking to them again.

Life is primarily about balance, a fact that too many people overlook. If I'm able to reconnect with my juniors, that would help tremendously in what is becoming an increasingly difficult fight to maintain balance in my life. Here's hoping I'm successful =)


PS. I'm not exaggerating when I say I love you guys like you were my kids.

So I'm at the end of a week of tests.

There were ups and downs. Some of them felt okay/good, one was a downright disappointment and one was tough but I hope I did enough to do okay.

Celebrated freedom after the last paper by going to eat Yet Con with the usual guys and then went to play a mind-numbing 6 hours of Lan, mostly L4D and a little CS.

It just feels good having the load off my back. I pretty much spent the entire day today just sleeping. Loser-ish, no doubt, but hella satisfying, especially after a week of (self-) enforced early days, ones filled with stress at that too.

It feels kinda shitty only having a weekend off after 5 tests in a row. Most other people/schools get a whole 3-4 weeks after their tests and exams. SP's the only one having their term tests right after the holidays. It's just as well this is the case only for the first term tests.

Anyway the next 2 months or so will just be one long, bloody push to the semestral exams and the holidays after that. I personally don't see things improving on term 1 (which was really pretty fucking shit), so I'm not hoping for anything in that department. Just gotta get my head down and take the crap till time's up.

Football stuff now. Michael Owen?! Is that a mindfuck or what? I dunno what to think now about the whole off-season, it's just plain insane. I do have my theories about what Fergie's plan is, at least for the next season or two, that being that he's going back to old-school 'Wingers & Tap-ins'. We already have touchline-hugging wingers (Nani, Park, Giggs etc) and bringing in Valencia bolsters that. Then we bring in Owen, a pure finisher (can't make his own opportunities but put some in front of him and he'll grab goals). The name 'Wingers & Tap-ins' make sense to you now?

Of course it's possible that going back to such old-school tactics could blow up in our face. On the other hand though, it could very well catch everybody off-guard for one season, after which Fergie can go get his 'real' transfer targets (c'mon, no one can say Fergie PLANNED to get Owen before the departures and missing out on Benzema can they) when prices aren't so insanely inflated.

If my prediction of the whole situation is correct I'm some genius man. Hopefully we can at least retain the league. I don't see us winning the CL with this squad, and the cups seem to be more and more secondary as the years go by. Win the league this season and I'll be happy already. I just hope next off-season isn't as crazily unbalanced as this one has been so far (and will probably to continue being more so).

Well, one more day of relaxation then it's back to school and the start of the push. Wish me luck.